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The Confessional

late night angst and honesty…

Well, that’s just about all I can take. I can only lay there for so long and my mind gets the better of me. Seriously, can someone turn the ringing off in my ears? Or maybe I should just learn to sleep vertically? Doesn’t matter, the ringing is there even if I’m sitting up.

The thing is; my ears ring more and more the more I think. I try to turn my mind off, but it doesn’t get weary at all. It lies dormant until I’ve forgotten that I was trying not to think. Then I begin to think again and the incessant ringing and pressure in my head starts pounding the same as before.

So, some nights are just like this. They’re called ‘Bad Nights’. I’m supposed to accept that and move on?

The Propranolol? I haven’t taken it, yet. My heart isn’t racing out of control.

It’s been two weeks since my thyroid scan, so that’s obviously adding to my aggravation.

Sometimes I just think that I have to get my life back under control and the ringing will stop. Is there a pill for that? A pill that will boost my self-esteem and motivation? Maybe I’d be happier and feel like I have purpose in life. I used to think I had purpose. I used to be happy at one point. I used to be myself at one time and I can barely remember what that feels like anymore.

I’m not happy with my self, right now, that’s for sure. I am sad, pathetic, useless and tired. And it’s times like this when I really think I hate life, I hate living and I hate the thought of dying alone. It’s this lack of motivation that is making me sick. I’m nearly 32 and I have no husband, no children, no house, no pension or retirement plan. I have ideas for my business, but the plans escape me. I have a career in which I like, but it’s been so long since I have “worked” in a group setting that I don’t know if I’m any good at what I do. I would like to write a book, but I have no clue where to start or if my writing will even pass for mediocre. I’d like to become something but have no clue what that is.

I’m worried that even if I do get my thyroid straightened out that I’ve missed my chance to have children. I’m worried that I’ve already met the best man for me and I was too blind to recognize him. I’m worried that I’m going to be 70, in a nursing home, bitching and playing crib with no visitors on Sundays. I’m worried that I spent my life wanting to be something that I’m never going to be. A good wife and a loving mother. I didn’t want to be a doctor or lawyer. I didn’t want to be an Olympic Gold Medalist.

I wanted to have the lovely house on the acreage, the woodshed full of firewood and the garden full of goodness out back. I wanted to have the quaint and colorful kitchen with the big heavy locally made coffee cups, the big spice rack, the pots hanging from the ceiling and the plants along with window above the sink. I wanted to look out that window and see my family’s clothes drying in the noonday sun. I wanted the big bookcase and the two reading chairs in the cozy living room. I wanted to have a house full of music, children laughing, toys to be picked up everyday and a faithful dog in front of the stone hearth. I wanted to be able to walk a steamy cup of coffee to my desk, where I’d work for bits of the day at a time. I wanted to pack the kids up and go into town or over to Gramma’s house. I wanted to lay every night beside the man I love and I wanted to wake up with his arms around me every morning. I wanted to feel safe and loved and protected and cherished. I wanted to love so fiercely and be loved back with such confidence that nothing could keep us from rocking on the porch of our house forever and ever until the end.

I wanted these things all my life. Oh, the details have changed somewhat over the years but the general life map is there. The home, the “man”, the kids. What if my time is over? What if I missed that train?

I’m so tired of wanting these things, but there’s nothing else I really want for myself. And I’m really having a hard time being thankful for what I do have.

Discussion

8 Responses to “late night angst and honesty…”

  1. Ah, honey, I feel you. Absolutely. It sucks to feel like you can’t nail down your own life. But sometimes all these changes happen really fast, and it just takes one thing to improve before everything else does, too. You are taking action on your health, so stay positive in that.

    As to the men? I have no idea what’s going on there with ANY of them. You should have the guy!

    I know why I don’t — I’m chubby and combative — but you? Heaven only knows.

    Posted by Meg | February 12, 2007, 5:43 am
  2. You never know how things might change. One day you can be fed up with your life and half of the stuff in it, and four months later you can be living with the man you love and have a baby on the way. It happens.

    Hang in there. It’s not over yet.

    Posted by Cassa | February 12, 2007, 9:55 am
  3. You’re not old at almost 32, because that would mean I AM old at 32 :)

    I have felt like you before, and in the blink of an eye, everything changed.

    Maybe you need to get away. I always find that helps when I get stuck.

    Big HUGS!

    Posted by Angella | February 12, 2007, 10:21 am
  4. This is a hard one. I wish I could have some earth shattering advice that would change everything for you. I don’t think your time is over.

    Hang in there, you deserve to have your dreams come true. Just believe that and the rest will fall into place.

    Posted by Chrispy | February 12, 2007, 11:23 am
  5. You have plenty of time for all these things to happen to you. But maybe now because you don’t have much going on, all you can see is what’s missing. I think you need a change and I think you need something else in your life. I know it sounds dumb but a hobby maybe? Like writing? You’re really good at it and I know it seems out of your reach but it’s not. You are fiercely loved and to some people (and one particular feline) you are the whole world.

    Posted by martha | February 12, 2007, 1:33 pm
  6. Hang in there – It really is mind blowing how things can turn around and how fast and amazing things can be. One day your fighting for your life, your family and trying to hold it all together, and wondering every day why your still doing this? Someone with an amazing beauty will come, and not pick you up, but show you why you still go on. You’ll be able to stand up on your own and see the light. Smile, it really does look good on you.

    Posted by Jeff | February 12, 2007, 3:44 pm
  7. As so many of the other have said, it is hard to believe but sometimes things just happen, especially when you least expect it. Try to look on the brighter side of things. Start writing that book and you never know everything else might just fall into place for you.

    Posted by BeachMama | February 13, 2007, 1:32 pm

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