I weighed myself this past weekend. I knew I had lost weight, I could feel it. I haven’t weighed 120 Lbs since I was 14. My adult weight should be 130-135 Lbs. Last time I checked I was 135 LBS. My high metabolism is another spin-off of the thyroid issue. It’s still a healthy enough weight, but if it were to get any worse, it could develop into a more serious problem. That’s a whopping 15 pounds I’ve lost.
I’ve started a few posts lately and have trashed them after only a few sentences. I just haven’t had the courage or strength to talk about it all, although I know I really should be. Mostly because I was still trying to get out of bed and somewhat function throughout the day, but also because I’m really sad and hurt over everything.
I’m sorry for how our relationship grew sour.
I suspect that he lies to me.
Part of me wishes that we had never met.
I hate that I wish we had never met.
I resent thinking that he might be getting better and I’m not.
I resent thinking that he is only saying he’s getting better when he’s not.
I don’t know how to fix myself.
I am beginning to forget the good times because I’m so hurt by the bad times.
I know I shouldn’t, but I do care about him.
I feel like I should never have gone back to him that first time.
I wonder, if we were better people, how things would have been different.
I don’t want to hang on to this anymore.
I just wanted to be loved.
I distrust his intentions.
I know that I just have to go ahead and talk; let it spill out of me as a way to heal. Once I get going, it will all come. I have to be honest with myself here, go to the balcony, look at everything from an outside view.
But the fact is: I’m sick. I’m super tired. I start crying, right out of the blue. I can’t focus on ANYTHING, even work. I am broke and I have payments that are due, like tomorrow.
What’s wrong with me?
I’m scared that I’m in a deep hole, with no way to climb out. Paralyzed.