Mind and Body

more down than up…

I weighed myself this past weekend. I knew I had lost weight, I could feel it. I haven’t weighed 120 Lbs since I was 14. My adult weight should be 130-135 Lbs. Last time I checked I was 135 LBS. My high metabolism is another spin-off of the thyroid issue. It’s still a healthy enough weight, but if it were to get any worse, it could develop into a more serious problem. That’s a whopping 15 pounds I’ve lost.

I’ve started a few posts lately and have trashed them after only a few sentences. I just haven’t had the courage or strength to talk about it all, although I know I really should be. Mostly because I was still trying to get out of bed and somewhat function throughout the day, but also because I’m really sad and hurt over everything.

I’m sorry for how our relationship grew sour.
I suspect that he lies to me.
Part of me wishes that we had never met.
I hate that I wish we had never met.
I resent thinking that he might be getting better and I’m not.
I resent thinking that he is only saying he’s getting better when he’s not.
I don’t know how to fix myself.
I am beginning to forget the good times because I’m so hurt by the bad times.
I know I shouldn’t, but I do care about him.
I feel like I should never have gone back to him that first time.
I wonder, if we were better people, how things would have been different.
I don’t want to hang on to this anymore.
I just wanted to be loved.
I distrust his intentions.

I know that I just have to go ahead and talk; let it spill out of me as a way to heal. Once I get going, it will all come. I have to be honest with myself here, go to the balcony, look at everything from an outside view.

But the fact is: I’m sick. I’m super tired. I start crying, right out of the blue. I can’t focus on ANYTHING, even work. I am broke and I have payments that are due, like tomorrow.

What’s wrong with me?

I’m scared that I’m in a deep hole, with no way to climb out. Paralyzed.

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6 Comments

  1. Sounds very familiar to me…seriously, you need a plan…you need to be satisfied with yourself, to accept that you are “imperfect” like we all women, to educate yourself becomig a loving person…and meanwhile a true mate will be into your life!Go and take dance classes…meet your old friends, talk about good times.
    Meet your eyes in the mirror, encourage yourself, stop thinking of yourself as just you are a novice at life…you must be content to go on LIVING!

  2. This is a hard time…I’m glad you have your Mom with you. It will get better, it just takes time. Sending more hugs your way 🙂

  3. There’s nothing wrong with you. You are going through a tramatic time right now. Let yourself go through it. Baby steps. You seem a little overwhelmed right now. One thing at a time and a plan will help you get through the rough days.

  4. cathy in canada says:

    Seriously …go the site I gave you yesterday. Watch the movie. You will begin to look forward without living your life in a rearview mirror. Coulda shoulda woulda …tick tock tick tock and all that stuff. It so applies to what you are going through right now. If you can’t afford to watch it online I will pay for it for you. Seriously. Email me.

  5. Hey chickie — I absolutely know what you are going through, except I don’t hear from mine. Sometimes I think that is better, sometimes I wish I knew he was doing okay. We weren’t as volatile as you and yours, but it was disfunctional all the same.

    Start making plans — Have something to look forward to. Make sure your friends are calling you every. single. day. If they’re not, CALL THEM. They will remind you that you are an amazing person worth so much more than this pain. You are almost through it, don’t look back now.

    I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and although I have my moments, I am looking ahead now. You can too.

    Remember what you said to me: “Accept what happened, deal with the emotions and then choose to get over it. Get on with it. Keep Livin’. L-I-V-I-N. Hang out with friends, do things that make you happy. Turn emotions into creativity. Write, photograph, knit… whatever floats your boat. Create something.”

    And, one more thing… You absolutely have to have these gross, arduous parts of your life to really embrace and enjoy the good parts. It brings balance, and the ability to see the highs.

    Email me anytime you need a friend… I’m here for you.

  6. It will get better. Although it has been a long time for me, I remember those days when something you worked hard on ended ofter so many years. You think about all the things you should have done, could have done, would it have been different. Here I am all these years later, so thankful that that particular relationship ended. If I hadn’t had the heartache and deep dark whole to dig out of I wouldn’t be here now with my Hubby and awesome little boy. These experiences make us different people, we learn from them and hopefully don’t make the same mistake twice. You will get better, all it takes is time. Hook up with some friends, get out of the house and start doing all those things that you put in your plan. You will be back on track before you know it. (Sorry for the run on paragraph 😉 ).

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