Chronicles of Love Mind and Body

from defective to destructive…

Well, what the hell was that?

Anyways. I had my ultrasound yesterday morning. No results yet.

I got the results back from my blood tests though. I don’t quite understand everything, but I’ll try to explain it the best I can.


Long Honest Post Ahead

This post contains words of womanly matters; periods, cysts and course language and is not for the faint of heart.

Viewer Discretion Is Advised

Some of you may remember my fainting spell way back in September, right after The Incident (of which I haven’t quite explained here… yet)? Well, The Incident happened and then I left. I stayed in hiding at Mum’s, worried, upset, blah, blah. Then I realized one day that I had missed an entire period and just chalked it up to stress from The Incident. I waited for it to come, fearing that I was a single pregnant lady and hoping that I was because It’s Time, Dammit. Then I fainted that day and suspected that pregnancy and stress was the cause. So I freaked out and finally admitted out loud that I might be pregnant. I decided to wait until the end of the week to get a test. Immediately after I muttered those words, and I’m talking within two hours here, my period came. I was relieved and sad at the same time. That’s why I went back.

Then my breasts started to hurt terribly and nearly constantly. I was scared and I went to Ontario and everything about my relationship was up in the air. When I got back they hurt again, so much so that I couldn’t ignore it any longer and finally I got up the courage to go get it checked out.

Right away, the doctor said that the pain and lumps were cysts. I am a cystic person; I get ovarian cysts often, monthly even. Years ago, when I was younger, I even had one the size of a baseball removed. So, with the missed period and the stress from The Incident, I am backed up, so to say, with hormones in a body that hasn’t reset itself. So, the doctor suggested a routine blood test an ultrasound.

My doctor was surprised when the blood results came back and he called me right away to ask me to come in. My TSH levels are too low. TSH, Thyroid-stimulating hormone, is released by the pituitary gland and is what regulates the thyroid’s ability to make TH, Thyroid Hormone. Thyroid Hormone contains iodine and iodine affects the body’s metabolism. It exists in two forms, levothyroxine (T4) and triiodothyronine (T3).

Whoa!!! Red Flag. Why is my pituitary gland telling my thyroid to slow down production of TH?

The doctor said I might have Graves’ Disease, which is autoimmune hyperthyroidism caused by antibodies continually asking the thyroid to make more TH. He told me that the most common therapy for Grave’s Disease is total destruction/removal of the thyroid followed by thyroid hormone replacement therapy for the rest of my life. The next step would be to get more tests done to find out my T3 and T4 levels and then we’d talk to an endocrinologist to confirm the diagnosis.


So, I gave the lab another deposit of blood and I went to the conference in Calgary. I met new people and ignored my ex. I should have brought his books with me to return them, but I’m pretending in my mind that it would have been too much for him to carry around all day, so I actually did him a favor. Why ignore my ex? Because I was embarrassed that he finally gave up on me. He told me something; I should have listened. Now we are no longer friends.

Besides the fainting, the sore boobies and the missed period, lately I feel like I have been losing weight like it’s going out of style, when in fact, I have been eating quite well. I have been super agitated, anxious, impatient, fatigued, unfocused, annoyed, overly hormonal with headaches, heartaches and muscle aches.

As far as I can figure out, it’s due to stress. What stress? Oh… stress due to my stupidity and stubbornidity (I know that’s not a word, but it sounds like it should be because it rhymes). Stress in my relationship. Stress from The Incident. My doctor thinks that my fainting spell could have been a thyroid storm – a life-threatening toxic overload of thyroid hormone.

The results of the T3 and T4 tests, which came in the other day tested positive for hyperthyroidism. According to the results, I am more than likely in the hyperthyroid stage of Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. It’s an autoimmune thyroid disease that starts out with hyperthyroidism, inevitably causes hypothyroidism and ultimately destroys my thyroid.

This is not something to fuck around with. It’s serious stuff. Hormones are named from the Greek word hormon, meaning “to urge or excite”, because they were first discovered to play a role in hunger, sex, flight-or-fight response, and many other basic drives. Hormones serve within the body as invaluable messengers, governors of development, and regulators of metabolism.

Hyperthyroidism is associated with sleep disorders and manic-depressive behavior. In fact, thyroid hormone testing is routine at psychiatric admission for suspected manic-depressive patients. The ultra-popular medication, Lithium, is known to depress T3 in the brain back to normal levels. Hyperthyroidism causes accelerated heart rate and fatigue, even when at rest. Hand tremors, thyroid storms, arrhythmia, heart attack. Death.

Hypothyroidism, which I am most likely going to get at some point is related to memory loss, confusion, slowness, paranoid depression, and in extreme stages, hallucinations. Depression and addiction. Hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) and slow metabolism. Infertility. Slow heart rates. Low blood pressure. Weak muscles and labored breathing. Constant fatigue sets in.

Did this condition start years ago? It’s possible. When I think back, my life has never been the same since my Great Grandmother died. When she died, I drove like a maniac to Saskatchewan, spent a week with my family, then returned home. When I left my Grandparents house, I left my appetite there. I didn’t eat for a week. Seriously; no food. Just water and the odd laxative. I turned jaundiced by Saturday and on Sunday I slowly started eating again. I’ve been fine ever since. But not really, because I’ve made some very silly mistakes, chose some very wrong paths and now I’m sitting here with a thyroid that is defective and a boat load of shit to shovel.

My doctor thinks that The Incident probably triggered the outbreak of this condition. Autoimmune thyroid disease, either hyperthyroidism or hypothyroidism, is also linked to post-traumatic stress disorder and is often first observed clinically after periods of prolonged stress. I’ve had prolonged stress, dammit. And frankly, I, too, think The Incident caused it. Which leads me to why I am tired of crying and tired of being upset. I should be happy that The Incident happened and my boobs got cysts that hurt and made me go to the doctor to get blood work done that found the thyroid levels. A lot of people don’t discover this condition this early or even at all. I should be happy, right? Things happen for a reason? No, I am angry and sad. The Incident affected me more than I thought it did. It affected me, it affected my family and now I discovered that it affected my health.

I want to be happy. I want to be positive and happy. I used to be that way; long ago, someone said that I had style and grace, that I shone like a diamond. I want to be me again. I want you all to come back here day in and day out because I am happy and I’m posting pictures of my kids and my husband.

I just want someone to come and save me, right now. I know some of the things that need to be done to get better, but I’m tired. I can’t do it. I’m constantly crying and no one hears me. I want to sleep and sleep and sleep, but can’t. I feel worthless and not worthy of effort. I feel alone. It’s been a long time since someone told me that I am a smart, sexy, funny, happy, positive, well-balanced woman. It’s been a long time since I have been happy. The mask is off. Sorry. I hope you all don’t leave now.

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  1. You are worth it & you are not alone. Thanks for being so honest…

  2. I’ll always be here for you, Tina. I hear a couple of things in your post.The biggest thing is that your soul is crying out for something and it’s something that it wants badly.

    I know you well enough that I can say you need to go out and find that something; and I don’t think you are going to find it in Nelson (though Nelson will always be your home — remember that).

    I always tell people that the person I was when I left for India wasn’t the person who came back. I actually bought a plane ticket for Taiwan and ended up in Madras, somehow. But it was the best thing that ever happened to me and all I needed to do was start the wheels moving.

  3. Definitely not leaving! You are right that this is serious but I know of some friends and family members with thyroid issues (one had severe hyperthyroidism and had to take a crazy radioactive tablet to basically kill her thyroid….but now she’s healthy again and feeling good) and it is treatable. A pain in the ass, yes, but treatable. Take care and know that we’re thinking of you.

  4. From what I saw when I met you (and I know it is only a snippet), you are indeed smart, sexy, funny and very, very likeable.

    Hang in there. I’m here for the journey.

  5. the short version is that i understand for different chronic illness reasons. you take care of yourself and we aren’t going anywhere.


  6. I’ve met you and you are smart, sexy and funny. You still shine like a diamond and don’t let yourself believe otherwise. I read because you are real and you have problems and insecurities like everyone else, and I’m not leaving so be yourself and help yourself heal. Your readers will be there with you.

  7. Thanks for sharing your feelings. I hope this is the start of your healing. You have many friends who want the best for you.

    Take good care,

  8. I hope that you feel better just getting your feelings out. We all have bad days, weeks or months even when we feel down, but it all comes back to normal again.

    It is good that you found out now about your thyroid, most things are fixed much easier at the beginning stages. A friend of mine had her thyroid removed back in the ’90s, she is healthy and happy.

    Best wishes, do rest up, everything else will fall into place.

  9. […] you to all who commented** on my last post. It truly means a lot to me, to know that if my post isn’t all happy and cheery, you guys […]

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