Chronicles of Love

preoccupied…

I’ve been a bit preoccupied as of late. My lack of blogging and actually blogging something of substance is due to life changes that seem to be out of my control. I can’t seem to stop this rollercoaster of emotions that I’m on. I can’t seem to stop it from making me nauseous. I’m up and something happens to make me down. I get back up and then something else happens and I’m down again. I am both overly ecstatic about particular choices I’ve made in the last little while and desperately sad because I regret and resent other choices that led me to this position.

I should be talking more about these choices, I know. So… To fill you all in…

Down: I gave 60 day notice with my roommate’s support workers. The fact is, I just wasn’t comfortable there and there was a whole lot of reasons why I wasn’t comfortable. It’s not The Dude, himself. It’s the situation and what is expected of his roommate. Boon said it all when I told him that I was applying. He said, over the phone all the way from Ontario, that it was a wrong move. I told him he was crazy. That I could do it. My Stubborness. I did a little math and figured out that I am getting paid between $2.08/hr per month and $0.54/hr per month to live with The Dude. That $0.54/hr wage is taking into account my monthly allowance, minus my rent and bills, minus my wage for the hours I work (providing I am paid what all other support workers are getting paid) and divided by the hours that I would be “living” there at the house (the entire day, minus the hours The Dude is with his other support workers, minus the hours I get at the restaurant). I’ll be surprised if any of that makes sense to you and even more surprised if you tell me I was crazy to leave such a prosperous job. So, as tough and uncomfortable things have been for the last few weeks and as tough as they are going to be for the next month and a half, I will be hoping everyday that they are doing everything possible to make sure they replace me as soon as possible. It really is in their best interests.

Up: I am working in collaboration with an associate on a project that will pay me decent money in exchange for my time and effort and will possibly net me more business.

Down: My Grandmother, whom I haven’t had contact with in a few years and whom I haven’t spoke to or seen with eyes since I was 13 has been given one year at the most to live. She has bowel cancer, lung cancer and liver cancer. I can’t afford to visit her in Toronto, just yet.

Up: Because of my new freelance gig, I am halfway done setting up my new office. That’s always fun. I couldn’t work at The Dude’s; people coming in and out of the house, people walking around behind me, working, sleeping, entertaining, reading and watching TV in the same room is very taxing. Plus, my new roommate is Boon! Yes, we are “moving in together”.
Down: My Great Aunt has finally passed away after many miserable years of struggling and pain. I can’t afford to go to her funeral on Monday in Calgary. I am feeling sick to my stomach.

I can’t stop my loved ones from passing away and it’s only a matter of time that the other down turns to up. A matter of time is a matter of a few weeks. They may not be looking seriously until after Christmas (so no one ruins The Dude’s Christmas). I think this is the best time of year to start looking. At least Christmas would give him focus. At least Christmas would be something positive to counteract the negativity of getting a new roommate. I just can’t do it any longer, so I hope they are looking and looking hard.

spinning… novacaine for the soul by eels via left of center.

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