Chronicles of Love

whole lotta love…

I have a whole lotta love to give. There are so many possibilities in this world for a nice long life enjoyed with someone you feel utterly and completely safe, secure and comfortable with. The passion of sharing your life with the one you most get along with. The one you can put up with. The one who is your best friend. The one who has your back. The one you most match. It’s all about being who you truly are and being comfortable with someone else being themselves too.

I don’t think it’s a mistake to tell someone your goals and dreams for the rest of your life, even when it comes to getting married and having children. I have told everyone that I have been in a relationship with my goals and dreams right off the bat and because none of them have told me any different, I have invested time with them to see if we match. When I say that I don’t want to ‘waste’ any time with someone who doesn’t want the same things as me, I don’t mean that the time I have spent in those other relationships were a waste of time. The opposite, really, they were huge learning curves for me and I now know the type of person I want to be with. A person who, like me, wants to be married one day and have some children. To have the same road in mind means less going around in circles or spinning your wheels.

When I was younger and the rest of my life seemed so far ahead of me, a future was just something you assumed about a guy. Eventually, if you got on well enough, you’d get married and have kids. Now that I am older, the guys who aren’t currently married to other people are either too selfish to give themselves to another, have had bad luck finding a good woman and are completely scared to take that step or have already been married and obviously it didn’t go well. I would say it doesn’t look too good for me finding a guy to settle down with, but I can’t. I hold out hope.

I spent over two years with Beanno only to find that he really wasn’t very funny at all. I spent two and a half years with Singer, waiting for a proposal and when he finally put the engagement ring on my finger, I woke up and bailed. I spent two years with Spark, each of us our best friends, each knowing exactly what the other was thinking at that exact moment, only to discover that we each had to do some growing up. I spent two and half years with Passa and in that blur the bad outweighed the good and we discovered that we hadn’t even mentioned the future to each other.

In the last few years, I have spent less time in my relationships to discover the mismatching about it. I guess I can say that I am picky. And, it is that, to some extent. But it’s more about listening to warning bells and trusting my gut. Toogie was the exception, with both of us yearning so hard for the same thing, that we tried to make it click, tried to push it over the edge, tried to jump into it because we thought we had to. I heard warning bells and felt my gut churning, but I was going through a period in my life of discovery and thought that that was natural and ignored it. So did he, he tried to ignore them, but couldn’t and as he pulled away, I tried to grasp him. Then it was do or die; and we died. Now, I hear those bells within two or three months and I can honestly say if I want to pursue a relationship further.

When (name removed) and I became friends, so long ago, I discovered that I was the most comfortable with him, in all ways, all the time. He was a constant friend, a pal, a buddy, a confidant. I looked up to him and reserved a kind of loyalty to him that none of my other friends had from me. I could dish it out just as well as he could. I could keep up with him. I could hang out with him. He never made me feel bad in anyway and our relationship stayed friends for a long time. We had some similar and some not so similar interests, but I liked the fact that he at least had interests. We matched. Then we began dating. Actually, due to circumstance, there wasn’t much dating that was done. We just kinda were. Unfortunately, distinguishing between my role as a friend for 10 years and my role as a new girlfriend was hazy. And he couldn’t distinguish whether he wanted space or more space to figure some things out. So, he chose space in the end and broke it off with me, before we really even got started. I understood. The long term friend in me forgave him this easily, after the initial hurt passed, because I saw the pressure he was under at the time. We have hung out since, he has become a good friend again. We broke up, not because of warning bells but rather bad timing.

With Doc, I got caught up in the whirlwind again. That familiar whirlwind; the butterflies in my stomach, the world seemed brighter, I had a focus. We went so far, so fast. Then the bells rang and I heard them. I knew in my heart it wasn’t quite right for me. I can’t say much about it, because there is a chance he might read this. It ended rather badly and has been a challenge for both of us to continue on talking and becoming the friends we were before we hurt each other. But I think we are getting better.

I met Chef and right away saw that he needed fixing. And I went full steam ahead with it. I began to see that his downfall would always be his lifestyle and that his lifestyle did not match mine. He did not seem to be that much into me, he didn’t talk about his feelings, our relationship was all about his business. So, I pulled away. He then decided that I had made some sort of impact on him and begged me to stay with him and go back to the way things were. All good, right? No, his rather embarrassing and very untimely displays of unrequited love, which should have been romantic before he was grasping at straws, were actually slightly disgusting me. I lost all attraction and affection for him. Yes, too much overkill. As much as I want a romantic man, I don’t want my man to be drooling, weak and pathetic. Does that make me a bad person? I don’t think so. I never treated him unkindly, I just refused his advances because they were too late and too overpowering.

Boon and I had an instant attraction. A quickening of the heart and a short intake of breath. Although I fell in love quickly, I was distrusting of the “too good to be true”. He was fun, exciting. A very closed person whose wall that I wanted to knock down. I wanted to be the one to crack that shell. I yearned for that short kiss, reserved for only very, very, very special times. I played the game his way, letting him guide the relationship at his speed. I was falling in love with him a bit more everyday, but when he told me there was basically no future for us, I loved him a lot less. He doesn’t want the same things as me. It hurt. Then I got angry. Then I got over it. Now, it’s slightly uncomfortable for me, knowing that we will most likely never be together forever. But I can’t bank on wishy-washy. I’ve done it before and I eventually turned out fine, but I don’t really want that pain again. The pain I felt with Boon was far preferred to than the pain of waiting for a changed mind. And it seems too ridiculous to use each other until something better comes along, so isn’t it better to part now? He is not right for me. He doesn’t want the same things as me. What really pained me the most, though, was that he held onto his little bomb until I was vulnerable and unsuspecting and then told me the exact thing that I didn’t want to hear. The details that should have been discussed in the beginning to establish what type of relationship it was going to be.

So, now, I continue on, with my whole lotta love to give. I want that guy that I can be most comfortable with, most safe with and most secure with. The one I match the best to. And he will want the same things as I do, otherwise, we don’t match. But, I must say, I do love each of these guys I have mentioned, some more than others, but each in their own way. I only hope a few of them think fondly of me at times.

That was a long post… phew…

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