Chronicles of Love

newness…

One of the best parts of meeting someone new is the interest I take in them. I am an asker. I like to get to know people, in fact, I am fascinated by the human race. I like to learn about happy memories from childhood and where they were born, who their friends are and where they have been. But there’s nothing worse than meeting people who only seem to talk about themselves and not ask me about me. And I have found that these people tend to have troubles in their lives and are sometimes quite negative people. They don’t want to know about my how both my grandfather and I whistle softly to ourselves sometimes when our minds are occupied or bored. They want to tell me all about how their life is not working. I want to be a light in someone’s life, I don’t want to hear about how they hate their life and the regrets of the choices they have made even though I am in it. I have met people like this and am no longer with them at all in any way. I am an emotional sponge and have no need for negativity in my life. I like people who are content and ambitious. Well, a friend going through an issue and being a bit down is one thing, but a constant complaint about life in general is another.

I met someone the other day by complete chance and I recognize that I have this giddy feeling about me. You know the kind… when there’s an instant spark and you are unsure of when they will call and you wait and wait and check your phone a million times to see if the ‘missed calls’ indicator is working. And then when they do call you out of the blue, it’s hard to talk cause you are about to burst out with happy laughter because it’s thrilling to see that name or number come up on the phone. It’s nervousness and anticipation of waiting for the call about to bubble up your throat and spill out from between your lips.

Another new revelation I have had when it comes to meeting someone new is to take the advice of my dear friends and go slow. For some reason I had the thought that when I met a guy, he should instantly fall in love with me and want to see me all the time and if I met a guy who “liked space” I would have thought that he wasn’t interested in me. I seem to have the “helper magnet” attached to my back and it’s been nothing but a hinderance. I always seem to go for the guys who are messed up and need my help in some way or another. They generally enjoyed my helpfulness a bit too much and had no problem getting right into a relationship with me. So, I find myself in a relationship. Then, after some time, I feel stifled and resentful. But now, I respect the space and see it’s benefits. It’s all about doing it right. Not rush things even if I feel like I should be in a hurry at my age. I don’t want another time-wasted relationship because it went too fast. I don’t want someone who needs my help. After all the shit I have gone through, I need to be more choosey and not settle. I want someone who has their shit together. No, I need to be smart. Take a little time to get to know someone; take a few months to find out if he’s going to be worth the time and effort. It’s better than jumping in and wasting two years or more in a relationship you discovered wasn’t going to work right away, but ignored or delayed the inevitable because you were already in it and it’s easier to stay in than step out.

I liken it to buying a pet. You don’t go buying a pet before knowing what it is and how to care for it. Some pets need different care than others. You can’t expect to bathe a chinchilla or to brush your bird. That’s how I feel when I look back at the guys I have been with. I was brushing a bird and I brushed for too long before I realized that they were a bird. I just kept brushing and brushing. But what I really wanted was a dog that I can brush. I had a turtle once and I tried to race it, but it’s a turtle nonetheless and can’t be raced.

So, this time, though I had expressed that I prefer exclusiveness to get to know one another I have resolved to take it slow and take my time. He calls me and he’s used to his own space and that’s good cause I’m getting used to mine too. I like this guy. He seems so far to be worth the effort to get to know. He’s always smiling. That makes me smile. And that’s all I need to have right now. New laughs with a new guy. I’d rather find out he’s an axe murderer before I get right into it with him. I’d rather like to know him first before I spend three years with him only to break up, find myself single again and be that much more depressed about how my life is flying by. What I’m trying to say is that I’d like to know now rather than later.

spinning… for real by okkervil river.

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