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putting a new face on the old one…

Yes, I decided to take a small break from my little blog world, both writing and reading. This is due in part to not really wanting to write anything more than the everyday mundane, and the everyday mundane seems pointless to talk about, so what’s the point? I mean, do you really care what my golf game was like the other day?

Other than the mundane, there have been quite a few turns in other areas of my life. Here’s an update for those of you who care.

I have completed a project for one client and gained another client. I made two new really good friends. I have received not one but two lovely and pleasantly embarassing displays of flowers. I have been asked out for a date. I have walked the Canals. I have tasted new foods like crab, oysters, clams, rabbit, lamb, buffalo and marlin. I have helped out by doggy-sitting and lending an ear. I have helped rework a good friend’s restaurant. I have been hugged and kissed. I have spoke my mind and offered my opinions. I have laughed a great deal and I have gazed towards the stars. I have been positively inspired. I have been inspiring.

One thing I have learned in my life is that to truly have closure to no matter what it is, you must sort out memories. Some of the memories can go under the bed, some of them can go in the closet. Some memories can be put in your pocket and some can be gathered and molded into a great statue to sit in your heart. I can choose to carry certain memories in my head, leave them behind, stuff them away or drape them all over me. I have some very awful memories put away under lock and key and, though I never like talking about them, I will. Then I have others that make me smile when the sun shines a certain way or I hear an old song bringing me back.

I have always followed my heart and have had a very fun and fulfilling life, but have also made a few wrong choices and have found myself in trouble. One thing I do have now that I didn’t have before is my faith. I only had just embraced my faith when Toogie and I got together. During our relationship, as we both relied upon God, we began to see truth in our hearts. Unfortunately, it was Toogie who felt the wrongness within us and though I was very hurt with his decision and did everything I could to change his mind, he was completely right in his heart to break it off before tying himself to me in marriage forever. I wish that we had taken more time to discover each other before I made the move to Edmonton. I wish that we hadn’t gotten so caught up that we were blind.

So when I got into the relationship with Doc, I tried to accept particular things in his life and past. I am one who wants to love and accept without prejudice. When he sat me down and told me all kinds of things about his past, I didn’t have a lot of time to really consider everything before saying that none of it mattered, etc. It was all so fun and wonderful during the beginning but also so very fast. The reeling feelings of love were compounded by spinning out of control speed. When I began to discover that he wasn’t in fact the right guy for me, I fought that thought with all my might. Then it overcame me and for the first time I could see how hard it was forToogie to make the same decision that I was having to make with Doc. I had to make the same decision that Toogie made with me. It hurt me too to make that choice, but staying in it would have been worse. After trying so hard to hang on to Toogie, to fight his feelings for him, I told myself that I would not let myself be in that position again. In a horrible relationship that is comfortable enough to leave alone. I am terribly glad that Doc and I are finished now, rather than after he moved here. I am relieved that I hadn’t gotten so caught up that I was blind.

I have been trying to stay away from reading Doc’s site, though I must admit that the temptation has been too strong at times. So I have read it and I am all caught up. It would seem that he has moved on as well, has gotten over me, yada yada yada. I think that’s grand and I am so glad for him and Hope. When he and I split up, I vented a few times to Hope and fortunately he vented to her a whole lot more. It would appear that she has “taken sides” after all and that’s awesome. With three hour late night phone calls and the changing of her name on his site, I can guess that their status of friendship has moved beyond into something more. I couldn’t be more pleased for them.

And also for me. Cause if Doc has moved on, then I can begin to reveal the ways that I have moved on as well. So, I am doubly glad that everyone has moved on.

your face all smiles for everyone
it comes once or twice and then it’s gone
to have a piece of your life again
the sun is on its last descent

you cry but no one hears a word
you make yourself forget the cries that no one heard
and you slip away and it’s cold out today

better stay inside

a room full of empty chairs
it’s dark – little strength to keep you here
your eyes feel heavy upon your face
you sleep – fade away

tonight your sun will rise again
you feel yourself awake as the new day begins
you open your eyes and you feel so alive

~ live – sandbox.


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