Last night, I woke up at about 2am, and tried to fall back asleep. I tossed and turned and tossed and turned for about an hour and a half. My mind wasn’t racing or anything; I wasn’t reoccupied with any thoughts or emotions. I was just really restless and had a general feeling of unsettledness.
This afternoon, I got a message from my brother in Vancouver. My father had what appears to be a mild heart attack last night. He had some tight chest pains all day yesterday and got up in the middle of the night, last night to get a glass of water. He put his housecoat on and ventured down the hallway. He got about half way to the kitchen and had to sit down in the middle of the hallway because he was feeling dizzy. Apparently he passed out for a while and when he woke up, was quite disoriented, wondering what the heck he was doing sitting and sleeping in the middle of the hallway. He went back to the bedroom and woke my step-mother up. While she was talking to him, he threw his head back and had a seizure-like fit. My step-mother freaked out naturally, and called for an ambulance and then called my brother. When they got to the hospital, my father seemed to be doing well; he was awake and coherant. They ran some tests and they said he looked fine, but they ran them again and it was confirmed that it was indeed a mild heart attack so they admitted him into the hospital to make sure his condition is stable. I have no idea how long he’ll be in the hospital for and I can’t see him for some time yet.
I am tired…
of having to call long distance to talk to family members.
of not having my own home.
of only having a few friends that I can call to hang out with and they are all busy because they have their own lives.
of having “friends” who say they will phone you as if they actually like you, yet they don’t like you or call you.
of being stepped on repeatedly.
of thinking of all the things I want to do and thinking of all the excuses I make to not do them.
of ignoring certain issues out of fear.
of being tired.
of being lonely.
of not being myself.
of not being happy.
This development with my father confirms what I have been thinking for some time now. It’s time to make a move. I need to get back to family. I am here in Edmonton, seemingly all alone and far away from my family whom I love so much. I believe that my time here is up. An examination of my uninspired life up to this point leads me to the harsh truth of reality; I want to be happy. If I crave to be happy, I must not currently be. Somewhere along the lines I mistakingly learned how to settle. It’s a bad habit that is breaking right now.
to be myself again.
to be with family.
to be independant again.
to have friends who love me for who I am.
to be excited about my day.
to take charge of my life.
to begin living.
to not settle for mediocre.
So, I am moving to Nelson, BC. Things are already in motion for the move. I am going to be living in the most beautiful places God has to offer. I am going to try new things and explore new ways of life. I am going to cherish every moment I spend with Teege, Mum and Mongo. I am going to be closer to my father and brother in Vancouver. I am going to go where I can be inspired with life and love. If I’m inspired, I am happy. I am going to go the mattresses with myself. And I’m making my move in 12 days time.